joke of the day

[Dominic Owen]

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."

[rob565uk]

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist,
was asked to make that very distinction.

The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.'
Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete. ”
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.'
And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
His answer received a five minute standing ovation..

[Dominic Owen]

Did you know that you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in a glass of water?

If it sinks - girl ant

If it floats - boy ant

[Mike Bull]

Apparently this is a genuine screen grab from the BBC, 4th April-

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*snigger*

[rob565uk]

Brilliant!

[Terminator]

Excellent
Novie

[Mike Bull]

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[rob565uk]

In Parochial School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive Hair Dryer for her Birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the Priest go first.
The Official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The Official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Mike Bull]

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(Never seen one of those films in my life, but I see the merchandise everywhere)

[polo]

after every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics the mechanical problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. the mechanics then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight. Here are some from Quantas in 2002 who at that time was the only major airline that had never had an accident.
P : problem logged by pilot
s: solution and action taken by engineers

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft

P: something loose in cockpit
S: something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back order

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: Thats what they're there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: suspected crack in wind-shield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: reprogrammed target radar with words

P: mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed