The Costa Concordia Captain has got himself another job and is at the outfitters getting his new uniform.The assistant sorts him out with jacket, trousers, shirt and shoes and then enquires "Cap size?"
The Captain shifts from one foot to the other and replies "Well, I have not yet left port ......"
joke of the day
More Costa Concordia....
1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't
Re: joke of the day
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman just heaves a sigh, looks at him sternly and says:
'What the Feck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says.....
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......Ryanair!
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman just heaves a sigh, looks at him sternly and says:
'What the Feck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
......Ryanair!
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.
Re: joke of the day
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed a supply of compatible blood in case the need should arise for transfusion.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type, who donated his blood for the Arab.
During the surgery, the Arab lost a lot of blood and a transfusion was needed to save his life.
In appreciation of the Scotsman donating his blood, the Sheikh made him a gift of a new BMW, and
a few hundred thousand pounds worth of diamonds & cash.
A couple of days later, complications arose and the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a tin of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was a little surprised and phoned the Arab & said: "I saved your life twice, the first time
you gave me a BMW, diamonds & money, so how come you only gave me a thank-you card & a tin
of Quality Street the second time?"
To this the Arab replied: "Remember, laddie, I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
the doctors needed a supply of compatible blood in case the need should arise for transfusion.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type, who donated his blood for the Arab.
During the surgery, the Arab lost a lot of blood and a transfusion was needed to save his life.
In appreciation of the Scotsman donating his blood, the Sheikh made him a gift of a new BMW, and
a few hundred thousand pounds worth of diamonds & cash.
A couple of days later, complications arose and the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a tin of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was a little surprised and phoned the Arab & said: "I saved your life twice, the first time
you gave me a BMW, diamonds & money, so how come you only gave me a thank-you card & a tin
of Quality Street the second time?"
To this the Arab replied: "Remember, laddie, I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.
Re: joke of the day
Definition of a Yorkshireman: A Scotsman with every last drop of generosity removed.....
1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't
Re: joke of the day
Speaking as a Yorkshireman of Scots lineage, I once heard a rumour that copper wire was invented by a Scotsman and a Yorkshireman fighting over a ha'penny...rob565uk wrote:Definition of a Yorkshireman: A Scotsman with every last drop of generosity removed.....
Treat life's problems like your dog would... if you can't eat it or sh*g it, just pee on it and walk away
Re: joke of the day
Good job the thread isn't titled 'original joke of the day' else we's all be b*ggered!Mike Bull wrote:Thank you, Billy Connolly.
Treat life's problems like your dog would... if you can't eat it or sh*g it, just pee on it and walk away
Re: joke of the day
Definition of a Geordie-a Scotsman with his brains kicked out!-apologies to Bill but he's quarter Scottish anyway! 
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"
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Dominic Owen
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:10 pm
Re: joke of the day
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in Mick's room, and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed & bushy-tailed and Mick is the one with bloodshot eyes.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the ar*e, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night..."
The first guy slept in Mick's room, and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed & bushy-tailed and Mick is the one with bloodshot eyes.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the ar*e, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night..."
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity...
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Dominic Owen
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:10 pm
Re: joke of the day
A man goes to the doctor in excruciating pain.
"You have to help me doc, I'm in agony! The pain starts in my left testicle, shoots down the inside of my left leg, through my left ankle, up the outside of my left leg, across my lower back, down the outside of my right leg, through my right ankle, up the inside of my right leg and them hits my right testicle like a lightning bolt!"
After several weeks and every test the doctor can think of, he finally concludes "Well, in light of the fact that we can't find anything physically wrong, given that the pain originates and terminates in your testicles, I'm afraid the only thing I can suggest is castration"
"Do it doc! The pain is so great, I really don't care any more!"
The man goes in for the op and comes out pain-free for the first time in years. So pleased is he that he decides to treat himself to a tailored suit and heads off to Saville Row. After going through te rigmarole of measuring, the tailor finally asks "And how does Sir dress?"
"It doesn't matter", replies the man.
"It's actually rather important for comfort, Sir, so I must know in order for the 'cut' to be right"
"Really, it's not a problem, you see, I had to be castrated recently because of a medical condition"
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Sir, but I had to ask because, if the 'cut' is wrong, it can cause an excruciating pain to start in one testicle, shoot down the inside of one leg, through the ankle..."
"You have to help me doc, I'm in agony! The pain starts in my left testicle, shoots down the inside of my left leg, through my left ankle, up the outside of my left leg, across my lower back, down the outside of my right leg, through my right ankle, up the inside of my right leg and them hits my right testicle like a lightning bolt!"
After several weeks and every test the doctor can think of, he finally concludes "Well, in light of the fact that we can't find anything physically wrong, given that the pain originates and terminates in your testicles, I'm afraid the only thing I can suggest is castration"
"Do it doc! The pain is so great, I really don't care any more!"
The man goes in for the op and comes out pain-free for the first time in years. So pleased is he that he decides to treat himself to a tailored suit and heads off to Saville Row. After going through te rigmarole of measuring, the tailor finally asks "And how does Sir dress?"
"It doesn't matter", replies the man.
"It's actually rather important for comfort, Sir, so I must know in order for the 'cut' to be right"
"Really, it's not a problem, you see, I had to be castrated recently because of a medical condition"
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Sir, but I had to ask because, if the 'cut' is wrong, it can cause an excruciating pain to start in one testicle, shoot down the inside of one leg, through the ankle..."
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity...
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Dominic Owen
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:10 pm
Re: joke of the day
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity...