joke of the day

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo » Sun Sep 02, 2018 10:01 pm

How about how the Chinese name their kids?
They throw a handful of forks and spoons on the floor and and name them after the noise it makes...😂
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

"As to reward, my profession is its own reward;" Sherlock Holmes.

I have wrought my simple plan
If I give one hour of joy
To the boy who’s half a man,
Or the man who’s half a boy.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

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Chris Williams
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Chris Williams » Mon Sep 03, 2018 7:39 pm

A white horse walks into a pub and says 'A Scots whisky please'. The landlord says 'We've got a Scots whisky named after you'. The horse says 'What,........ Neddy?'
In a lifetime, among the seeds we sew is the seed of tragedy, and tragedy is a plant that can take many years to grow, and even longer to blossom, and bear it's bitter fruit.

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Chris Williams
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Chris Williams » Mon Sep 03, 2018 7:56 pm

A guy from Tyneside wins it big on the lottery, millions. He puts his two young sons in the car and drives to Cambridge University and sees the Chancellor. “Why eye man, I’ve won big on the lottery like. Money is nagh object so I won’t yuz to teach ma lads to speak proper English like”.
“Do not worry my good man” the chancellor reassures him in a deep plumy accent. “Come back in six weeks and I will have them speaking the finest English like gentlemen”.

He goes back six weeks later and sees the Chancellor. “How yuz getting on w’ma lads? he asks. Exasperated, he replies “Ah man. Divan talk to me about w’lads” :lol:
In a lifetime, among the seeds we sew is the seed of tragedy, and tragedy is a plant that can take many years to grow, and even longer to blossom, and bear it's bitter fruit.

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Chris Williams
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Chris Williams » Mon Sep 03, 2018 7:57 pm

Did you hear the one about a paranoid schizophrenic that goes into a pub with two hammers?
In a lifetime, among the seeds we sew is the seed of tragedy, and tragedy is a plant that can take many years to grow, and even longer to blossom, and bear it's bitter fruit.

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:51 pm

I used to do a bit of stand up in my local Fellowship club back in the 80's but that is also the time the P.C brigade were taking hold and my material was frowned upon. One that used to go down well was about little Paddy Murphy going to the antiques road show with a big parcel under his arm.
When he got to the front of the queue the expert asked, What have you brought today sir. Paddy replied, Im not sure, I found it in the loft and wondered if it was worth anything. The expert opened the parcel and said. Not really Paddy its your hot water tank.

I would probably get into all sorts of trouble if I told that one today.

OOPS.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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Chris Williams
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Chris Williams » Sun Sep 09, 2018 12:39 pm

Bluebirdsback your joke reminded me ...........

A little boy is doing a school project about the second World War and he asks his granddad if he took part.
"Of course I did" his grandfather replies, "I've still got my medals"
"You've got medals!' the little boy replies, wide eyed and amazed. "Have you got anything else" he asks.
"Well I've still got my army rifle" his granddad says.
"You've got a rifle!" his grandson says in astonishment, "where is it?"
"It's up in the loft behind the tank" his granddad tells him.
"Blimey granddad" the little boy replies excitedly, "....... you've got a TANK!"
In a lifetime, among the seeds we sew is the seed of tragedy, and tragedy is a plant that can take many years to grow, and even longer to blossom, and bear it's bitter fruit.

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