joke of the day

[jonwrightk7]

how about the dislexic goth; sold his soul to santa.

[klingon]

Dyslexic devil worshipper-sold his soul to Santa
Colour blind song-"Grey and grey and grey and grey-grey and grey and grey-I can sing a rainbow---"

Got there first!

[orgster1]

Man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don‘t know where I am.”

The guy below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the guy, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The guy below responded, “You must be in Management? “

“I am" replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you don’t know where the hell you are or where the hell you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you had no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault?

[orgster1]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband
'I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit I find it quite erotic. Tell me more about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Frank, and I played for Wigan

[rob565uk]

A man went to his Doctor with a flatulence problem. When the Doctor asked for details, the man offered to demonstrate and as he broke wind, the sound clearly made the word "Honda". His Doctor admitted he had no idea what the problem was but referred the man to a specialist consultant, Mr Yamamoto. a Few days later the man was summoned to see Mr Yamamoto who had read all the notes and immediately asked for a demonstration of the problem. The man duly obliged and once again the clear sound of the word "Honda" rent the air. Instantly, Mr Yamamoto said "Ahh, I know what is wrong, you have abscess!". The man was understandably puzzled by this diagnosis and asked for an explanation. "Is simple" said Mr Yamamoto "Abscess make fart go Honda"

[klingon]

Two Indian junkies accidentally snort curry powder and get rushed to hospital-ones in a Korma and the others got a dodgy Tikka--

[Piston Broke]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson

motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise

and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Wel l, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

[klingon]

Drunk staggers down the street,one foot on the pavement and one foot in the gutter-a cop stops and tells him to walk on the pavement-"Thank God for that" says the drunk,"I thought I was crippled"!

[rob565uk]

A newly-married Chinese couple have just gone to bed on the first night of their honeymoon. He loves his new Wife very much and is determined the night will be one she will remember, so he asks her to tell him exactly what she would like from him that night. She looks a little coy and thinks for a while and then she says, shyly "I REALLY want to try 69". He looks a little confused and then says " You want sweet and sour chicken with fried rice at a time like this!!!!?"

[Piston Broke]

A German dwarf came to London on holiday and whilst there went to a prostitute. She thought to herself "this will be easy money, he will never manage".
Just before he started he put a large spring on each elbow and knee and then shagged her for 4 hours non stop.
She said to him breathlessly "how did you manage that for so long?"
He replied "its my foursprung dwarftechnique"