joke of the day

[Dominic Owen]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.

[Dominic Owen]

My girlfriend said I was the typical scum of the earth, dole-scrounging, Lambrini-drinking, boy-racing, attention-seeking chav,

Well I'll prove her wrong next week, when we appear on the Jeremy Kyle show to sort this all out.

[Dominic Owen]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the " Clitaurus ".

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to findit (let alone turn it on) even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month. Plus it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year....

[Dominic Owen]

www.conjunctivitis.com........... now there's a site for sore eyes!!

[Dominic Owen]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
So I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

[Dominic Owen]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them;
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You gonna try again".

[Dominic Owen]

I was asked to leave my local swimming baths this morning due to the large bulge in my speedos upsetting some of the other swimmers.

I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he hadnt been asked to leave. The attendent told me that's all well and good, but the other guy hadnt s**t himself!!

[Dominic Owen]

This is the story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning as he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water & gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't help it, nevermind stop it, and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he would eventually blow his guts out.

Time went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs, where her husband was sound asleep, carefully peeled back the covers then gently pulled back the elastic waistband of his pants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts down the back.

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. After the years of torture, she reckoned she'd just about got him back.

About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs, still in his blood-stained pants and with a look of horror on his face. Biting her lip, she asks him what's wrong.
He said "Babe, you were right. All these years you've been warning me and I never listened to you.."
"What on earth do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened! But, by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I just about got them all back in..."

[Dominic Owen]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does buggerall - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[Dominic Owen]

I think that's enough spamming for one day!

I must be in need of a distraction... like a new diary entry to read...