joke of the day

[Terminator]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball went astray and headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball struck one of the men with ferocious velocity.
Falling to the ground he immediately clasped his hands to his groin,and proceeded to roll and thrash around in agony! The other men in the party looked on in horror
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the Man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
Then Loosening his pants she slide her hands inside his trousers.
She administered tender and artful massage for several Long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Novie

[Dominic Owen]

Couldn't resist just one more;

An elderly couple are getting a bit frisky over the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th anniversary. Twanging her bra across the room, Minnie lay back on the table and cried out "Oooooh Henry, after all these years you can still turn me on so much it makes my nipples burn!!"
"That's not me, you daft cow. One's in your porridge and the other's in your coffee!!"

[Terminator]

[rob565uk]

Two elderly Gentleman were relaxing in the Lounge of their Nursing home when an equally elderly female resident streaked through, completely naked.
"Arthur, did you see that?"
"I Certainly did, it was Mabel"
"What was she wearing?"
"I don't know George, but it definitely needed ironing"

[thunderer]

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the p****y gets wet.

[Mike Bull]

Easy on the content of the jokes please - just deleted one for language after a couple of complaints.

[Dominic Owen]

Oops! That would be my last one then. Sorry Mike

[Dominic Owen]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[rob565uk]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..

[mtskull]

A couple made a pact that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course. Then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud ~ lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex for the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Afterwards it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob! Are you in heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kent”.